i am a lost boy 1200 km from home

I've come to terms that I'm stranded here

I tried, I really did try. for two and a half months to make friends, to make a circle to find a place i belong.

but it turns out I'm just lost.
I have nothing here to live for

I type as I sit here at 1:25am on my third lonely  day back in sarawak, gonna be my 4th lonely day soon

It's so wasteful, to live a life without anything to hold on to, yet that is what I experience day in and day out here. I pray that it doesn't have to be this way for 4 years.

One week home was well, fattening..... But it reminded me of how much I miss the comfort of home. Of Penang. The People, the Food, the HEATED SHOWER IN MY HOUSE. Especially the memories and stories of home, the place I'd never forget.

gone in a matter of days
to return to solemnity
loneliness

I'M TRYING
I REALLY AM
ITS NOT EASY

I Pray What's Killing Me Now Will Make Me Stronger

its nothing i can deny its nothing i can hide

on how every since the day one i have always lied

about the tears i cried

on how i wish i died

eat away at my being depression has done

the fact i cant run from what has made me want to pull a gun

its no joke its nothing to be compassionate about

just be there and it'll help if you just hear me out

i haven't been through anything peculiar

my case isn't as bad as yours

but believe me when i tell you these feelings are not false

everyone's been sad, they needed a shoulder

imagine nobody there and everyone thinking you're a bother

these thoughts creep up every single day i'm here,

on how i don't fit it, on how i haven't found my place

have i been too selective 

or am i given up on this race?

i do not choose this path but it's one that has befallen me

everyone should feel blessed they have things i wish i had

a circle, an understanding,  a support, a community

this i write not as a man who is done and dusted

but a man looking for a person to be trusted

not a person to say hi or bye those are common

but someone who'd stick around when i act abnormal

primary, secondary, tertiary, work

always in the corner these shadows lurk,

however unfazed or trapped by light

these shadows give my conscience quite a good fight

i have a presence, i have a name

i have done many great things to earn great fame

most notably for my jokes being lame

but here, things are just not the same

i choose to be alone, but i don't always want to

it sounds like an excuse but it does amount to some truth

i thought one day I'd get used to it, have assurance

but no, you don't get used to it, your mind becomes an annoyance

basically this is my attempt at a poem

i can only write create stuff when I'm solemn

I'm fine, i really am, i ain't sad or depressed

its just these old demons are making my life so messed

i wish that i can just stop waiting or stop being so picky

ugh i don't know why for me finding friends is so tricky

Sarawak is great, the food and culture is totes some of the best

however i kinda wish i was back in the west :(

BASICALLY!

homesick as fuck, 

HI everyone, thanks for going through that super long emo looking poem. I can only find inspiration in melancholy, which is why I'm posting again 

Straight to the points

1. Two Months of Uni, I'm still pretty much alone, It's a love hate thing

2. I have friends, some of them are kinda rad, but nothing close, nobody I can be truly comfortable with, no real circle, but I am surviving

3. I'm going home in 2 weeks. 3 assignments stand in my way, but uni life is slowly looking up

4. I don't know how I would've kept sane or even still alive if it wasn't for one particular cibai in Penang

5. I'm happy that all my close friends are out and about all over. As selfish as it sounds, I admit that I really wish they could make time for me as I am honestly trying to for them, even if its just a little bit of time, I don't want to be an afterthought to you, you guys mean the world to me.

6. Making friends of the opposite sex when you're older is harder, starting the second conversation would often assumed to be flirting. And me having majority female friends, GG life.

7. oh lord why is there a lack of fruits, food is unhealthy everywhere how to lose weight ya Allah

8. THIRTEEN DAYS THIRTEEN DAYS

9. I don't believe I'll find love in university

10. Fail safe: be a priest

11. Insanely in love with rock/ alt rock music now.. AWOLnation and Royal Blood are my addictions now

Series of Fortunate and Unfortunate Events.

Fortunate and unfortunate are two different event types. When they are in union, would that just make them events?

Calm down, Jaden Smith



Uni life has been nothing but expected.
It is beyond anything I planned for or expected, and I am glad for that.

Things have been either hit or miss.
Everything and all I am now were due to life decisions which were hidden as simple initiatives.

There's still a lot to work on. And I just simply don't feel like I want to put my life story of university life on my blog.

I don't have closure here.

Basically its been either really fun, or really empty.

By chance I was an overenthusiastic noisy asshole.
By chance I fell in love with Sarawak.
By chance I totally wanted to come to study here.
By chance I was forgetful enough to leave my small group assignment letter in my room.
By chance I stood right in front of the line of people who left their paper in the room.
By chance I met a person who made me noisy and was forced to become a group leader.
By chance I introduced myself in English.
By chance I was pulled up by my Liaison Officer because I spoke English to join Debate/Public Speaking

And even though I had never had any debating experience, or am really ignorant towards major historical facts and events.
By chance I spoke last during audition and just summarized what I thought.
And I was chosen to represent my college

By chance my college was helped to be trained by the debate society's advisor.
We won. That wasn't chance
We ate, dined, drank like kings.

By chance we all went to the debate society.
We were introduced to model united nations and we're up for selections for MUN in Miri.
We had to prepare a paper about political stuff which I really ave 0 insight or interest in.
So I didn't feel like even writing the paper after a few days because I knew it was so not my Forte.
Deadline was yesterday morning at 10am
By chance I was going broke.
By chance I decided broke or not, I was gonna try withdraw as little money as I could and go for dinner with debating society members.
By chance I was motivated to do the paper by looking at people who graduated post on fb about taking the opportunities that come to you.
By chance I kept questioning Joel about MUN and whether I should do it.
By chance I had enough money to buy coffee and go to the 24 -hour room in the library at 12am.

And I completed the paper and sent it in at 2.30 a.m.

And I made it

I'm going to Miri in 2 days to represent my university in Model United Nations in Curtin,
It might not seem like much
But it means a lot and I am really excited for this.




I studied probability,
chance,

No way, that all of those happened
by chance. 

There's no way all those odds go in my favour over and over and over again, no.

Without a doubt, I have been blessed. I have received grace.
Undeserved favour.
Whatever you believe in, or don't believe in.
and despite my struggles in faith.
Without a doubt, I believe that there is no way all these things happened by chance. I sound like the corniest most christian geek saying the following things.

I truly believe it is God's grace and blessing that I got to where I am. I am eternally grateful because of all the opportunities which I have been given, and the steps I used to walk on and move in this journey were from opportunities that I have prayed to receive in the past. This is how God spoke to me. And I love you, G man, for this.

And there were mentions of alternative universes, like how in an alternate universe I would have never been a part of where I am. I would have never known such a place existed. I would be in no social circle, no society, still have no friends, go through orientation like every other person and not make many friends. Alternate universes where I missed out on an inspiration or an opportunity.

Series of fortunate events.

Locking myself out of my room
Walking into the wrong room
Walking into the wrong house
Locking my things in the wrong house
Breaking into said house
Difficulty in finding friends

Unfortunate, but it's part and parcel of a true university experience. :D



I really feel very alone most of the time here.
It's not like I'm not trying.
I'm afraid

Wow, coming from me?
what the hell.

Yep, I made friends in the debating society sure,
I met a lot of people, in faculty, in college.

But i don't really find closure, friendship, someone to rely on, in class especially.

And I've been really okay with it,
but I know its dangerous to be alone most of the time.
Like now, I go to the library to leech wifi alone. I need a group, or maybe a friend.

BUT DAMN Y IS IT SO HARD TO FIND SOMEONE TO GET CLOSE TO OR BE BUDDIES WITH AHMAHGERDDDDDD SIEN LOR WAN DIE

I MISS PENANG
I MISS FOOD IN PENANG
I MISS PENANG FRIENDS
I MISS MY BED
I MISS USING TOILETS WITH UNBROKEN TOILET SEATS
I MISS BEING BAREFOOT IN MY ROOM
I MISS DRIVING

i miss home

I dont know how to be happy here

I'm lonely, bored, demotivated and pretty much asshole symptoms are just showing up all over me. I'm sorry

i felt like writing

I'm gonna miss all this
I never had it
but I'll miss it
all of you
whom i never got the chance to live life fully with

all the goals and plans
no more
it's over
goodbye
i can't handle this part the most

it's not like I'm leaving forever
it's that everyone else i really care about.
like people I REALLY HONESTLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
yeah, they're leaving too
its happened before, when i turned 18
but this time, it's a wee bit more drastic.

Like how distance made me realise how not close we actually were
How we drifted to strangers
And I'm basically going to be cut off from everyone physically
But am I not used to that?
Goodbyes have been such a common occurrence in my life.

Loneliness will never be something I can get used to though.
It numbs you, sure, but not in a way that you can feel as if it's a normality.
(yeah Sure, there's always new friends that can be made)


I can't really think of places or people whom my absence will affect,
unlike how the absence of basically almost all my loved ones affected me

Perhaps because there are so many holes left that it is noticeably gaping

Not spending Christmas at home this year is going to be so different
so strange
yet something I simply have and want to face
This strong urge to stay in Penang was what kept me from going to KL to study my diploma

I don't regret the decision one bit. It molded me to who I am

I need someone to talk to
I will just stop here because I can't type anymore

I hope my care, prayers and thoughts spread to all over the world with you guys.

Fuck me for being sentimental

Emotional regurgitation

i kinda really like you
But I kinda can't really have you

Now isn't that the saddest thing ever?





What the fuck
this isn't some emo tumblr shit bro, get it together man!





DEAR YOU

YES YOU

THE PERSON WHOM I HAVE THESE STRANGE EMOTIONAL FEELINGS FOR
I LIKE YOUR FACE
I LIKE YOUR VOICE

I LIKE YOUR MIND

YOUR PERSONALITY IS AMAZING AS SHIT

I LIKE HOW WE CONNECT

AND I LIKE TO DO SHITS LIKE LONG DRIVES AND EAT PIZZA
BUT HOW MUCH BETTER WOULD IT BE

WITH YOU

YES YOU

NOT NECESSARILY THE PERSON READING THIS COS I DON'T WANNA GIVE FALSE HOPE

LADIES I KNOW I AM GOALS I'M SORRY FOR THAT

WHY IS THIS IN ALL CAPS

i honestly have no idea why i needed this outburst

But hey, I'm leaving for another island soon.
I'm gonna be there for 4 years.
technically 3 and a half years cause of reasons
but if you include holidays
3 years.

4 years.
I'll be 24 when i get that degree

is what i desire only meant for 4 years from now?
when we're 24, how much will we change
how much further apart or closer will we get
where on earth will you be?

can we travel when I'm back

can we see another part of the world

can we do the crazy shit we wanted to do for years
can we Skype like when you were gone

Its been awhile
I am ready

I've let go

I told myself i let go a long time ago. but i haven't. what makes me think I have now?

Will I end up finding someone new in my new life?
Will she replace you?
Will I do a stupid mistake in being too fast?
Will I overcome my fear of attachment?
Will I still be there for you?
Will I grow or will I wither?
Will I have space in my heart for love at all?
Will I open space for God in all of this?

Will I Am

What has become of my relationship with the Creator.?
Do I still believe? Yeah definitely

Why is it that I am knowingly paying way less attention and intentionally shutting God out?
 Am I trying to have my own say on my own life?
Is that the same reason I shut my family out of my social life?
Is that why I don't really trust  people to be called good friends anymore?

Whats my target
Whats my goal
What am I going to university for
Study, get a job, make money, be happy, make a family, be happy, see the world, be happy, change lives, be happy

change lives
change lives
how do i intend on changing lives
do i not register in my brain, that the opportunities to change lives was very prominent when I was really close to God?

What will this new place give me?
I was told to settle in a church first things first
I'm not sure what type of friends I'll have, what kind of person I'll be

That's the thrill of a new life. I await in excitement over all that awaits me

If I had 2.6 million ringgit I would break you out of wherever you are and go see Europe with you lol
I am suddenly fascinated by seeing things in other countries

It is not wanderlust. It's more like.
I want to live life to the fullest
But that needs money
our money is shrinking
a bit too late to abandon ship
unless I do masters
in a foreign university
like GERMANY MAYBE
free education fuck yeah

I always wanted to have a family.
I don't want my kids to be stereotyped into their race.
I mean, language and culture is fine but don't be a typical one.
English must always be the first language
I will not publicly defame them
I will encourage them even when everybody/nobody is looking

I wonder whether my wife will tolerate the me I am when nobody is looking
I am a very very very different person when I am alone and with my thoughts
Nobody truly has gotten close to me in an extended period of time to know me through and true.
They just know my habits, but not my emotional habits.

I want my wife to be as strange as I am in private.
And as mad shit crazy in public as I am.
We would be each other's sidekicks.
I will mess her hair sometimes, She will pinch me and pull my ear (if she can reach it)
I want our love to not die

I know what it feels like to love someone
because it doesn't die that fast.
Even when the person leaves/doesn't want you anymore
I am not gonna write 25 sentences on what love is

I've been vomiting this train of emotional thoughts for 20 minutes now

I need to sleep early
Well shit, it's 2AM

Thanks
and good job on surviving. :)


xx.
It's been awhile since I've had a meaningful hug.

Not how i planned for it to go

August is my last month of holidays. I planned to have an amazing month full of suhweet memories and yolo moments

And this entire week, I only managed one outing.
Five. That's right, five. Five cancelled plans this week. Ultimate face problem.
Face problem so strong mirror also don't wanna see me.

Am I disappointed? Yes.
Lonesome as fuck.

Hope next week turns out better
Results for uni application come out on Tuesday

Hard Times Carve You

i don't get how some people get it from the get go. but most of the things in life I had to figure it out by myself

Mostly when it comes to maturity.

but i appreciate them wholeheartedly, all the crying, woes, sorrow, depression, keng, embarrasment

It was all worth it

thank you

goner.

I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,

I want to be known by you,



Though I'm weak 
and beaten down,

I'll slip away
into this sound,

The ghost of you
is close to me,

I'm inside-out,
you're underneath.


Don't let me be gone.
Don't let me be.

I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,

Can you not slip away

Can you not be like the rest and be gone.

Can you not say one day you care and just not put up with my shit anymore.

I don't know how I keep doing this.
This, calling someone a good friend thing.
They leave.

They aren't permanent to you.
Everyone is always temporary and pop up spontaneously.
There's nobody permanent to me.
There is no solitary wall to lean on. The wall keeps moving. And I'm tired of changing my position.
I'm tired of going back to the old comfy spots cause I just know its gonna move again and leave me falling down.. again.

How sure am I things will change when I go to uni?
It didn't change in form 6. It didn't change at work.

Is it so hard to have a permanent?

And the worst part about it is eventually, you start thinking.

Hey.
Maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm the one driving the walls away. Driving the comfort away. Maybe I'm causing the love to fade

And you don't know what to believe.

I miss you.
All of you.
All those walls.
I miss when I felt happy to be with you.
When I could trust you with all I had.

And not be let down.
Again.
And again.
And again.

Do you not care
Or am I too unworthy to be bothered about?

Am I that pathetic of a friend to drive what makes me happy away?

Do you care for me or my approval.
Do you care that I care?
Am I not caring enough for what you care?

What should we care about?

What is air?

don't you just hate it when

You want to be more creative and broaden your scope

but the same song has been stuck in your head for days

I feel
i) great cause this song is simply wowzers, uplifting and shit.
ii) not so great because i can't think of any other song or any other new music to venture into

I am a Freak

There's no other explanation.

I'm weird, I'm a mess, I'm annoying, good for nothing, no fun, ugly, stinky, fat waste of space that deserves no love.

I am a freak. And I have to accept that.

All I ask is that you stop pretending to care, Stop trying to make it like I'm not one.

I know I'm not okay and every single time it eats me inside how people I percieve as the worst humans ever. Rude, violent, uncaring, reckless, disgusting, manipulative, selfish, greedy people. Those people aren't alone. Those people aren't having it all that bad. They have people who care.
 /
SO I must be worst than them. God knows what I did wrong to have it so much worse. 

When will I just give up on everything? Why do I still try? 

 I tried. I told myself I was alright, I was good, I was fine.
I tried for so long to convince myself. But really, just fuck me for doing so.

Why don't I just curl in a ball and die?

Getting My Life Back Together

Have you ever had those times in your life, those phases which span for days or weeks, where you just see your life just take a major dump?

Well, that's what happened to me ever since I came back from vacation. Life just became so, BLEGH, and soon, my whole character followed my lifestyle.
It goes from being totally sloth-like, indifferent about everything, unable to take good care of own health, diet, hygiene etc.

Last night, upon completing Dishonored (which is one heck of a game might I add) at 3.30 am. I turned off my laptop, took out the headphones and just had a brief moment of awareness. Like when suddenly you pay attention to everything around you. Did I really just eat one pack of Oreo's, leave that cup of ice tea on my table for two days, brush my teeth once today, spend the entire day with very little social interaction?

Then I slumped over to my room to take a good nights rest and I saw my room was just Filthy. I had to push like 10 different things off my bed and there were just things everywhere. And from that moment, before I shut my eyes I prayed silently "..."

Well actually I forgot what I said cause it was freaking 3:45am but it went along the lines of, "Aih God, I pray for the strength to make myself better" or "give me the strength to clean my room tomorrow"

The thing is, praying can only get you so far, it's up to you to make that change.
What I believe is that, you can pray and believe God gives you all the opportunity and strength you need, but it's up to you to actually DO IT, and that's how YOU GROW and BE BETTER.

Today I learned things I already know, like how a clean environment helps boosts your attitude.
And how that attitude is pivotal in how you treat yourself, like how I'm off junk food once more cause I have a damn belly again (I swear I have the most pms metabolism ever) and I feel motivated once more to go out and do shit. Good shit. The shit that's good for me. Back to basics

TLDR
yep, cleaned my room, felt good, gonna conquer world

dontjudgeme.txt

Like legit 2 minutes ago, I was going through the internet and someone anonymously sent a question on askfm to someone I know stating some good quality about the person and why being such a person is making others hurt him and the person just went along with it like it was true and I just laughed and aggressively just went FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU AHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU at my screen while waving middle fingers an I swear that is the most reactive I have ever been towards anything online ever that I needed to tell someone but its 2AM so I blogged about it

wat

(don't judge me. you all have insane sides to you nobody should know of that would just make you want to kill yourselves if other people find out,)

Is Romance Dead?

Disclaimer: The word *love* will be thrown around a lot in this post. The love I am referring to is the one between two souls that is intimate and romantic. In simple terms, Between partners in a relationship.


One thing that I still don't understand even after years of seeing this happen.

How do some people change the person they love so quickly?

(which means one day got this boyfriend, next day break up, next day different boyfriend)
(and by boyfriend I mean, partner which the person already says he/she truly loves and cherishes, all that shit)

I just don't get it!

I'm not flaming people who do so, but the thing which makes me a bit pissy about this phenomenon happening (walau scientific word) is that with every partner, the person claims joy in things already done with previous partners. Which means in short... same shit, different person.

Oh, he treats me unlike any other! He does this and that for me. I haven't been this comfortable with someone before! He spoils me so much! 

(just like most of the last 15 other guys before him have done)

I don't get this "falling in love all over again" in such a short amount of time. How can you claim to LOVE someone you just got together with and say and do all these mushy wushy things which sound and look completely legit even after you just experienced it with the previous guy whom you also REALLY LOVED A LOT.

Heck, maybe I just completely suck at this game of love.

Long committed relationship which costs so much time, effort, sacrifice ends and yet, can go hold hands and kiss another person almost a week later. It all means nothing to people anymore, romance is dying to me.

Now here comes the question. 

What the absolute fuck does it mean to love someone?

Because for God's sake I was SO fucking done with a lot of people saying I didn't truly love my now-former girlfriend because I didn't stay in contact with her when she left. (long story which might be a blog post one day) Despite all the things that we have been through and done together.
What in the world am I doing wrong then?
Fuck me for having my own reasons right

And yet the same fucking people support this love that changes every other season. (because they make cute ass insta pictures, all these fucking relationship GOALS and shit like that)

Is all this "love" material?

OK IMMA STOP IT RIGHT HERE TO EXPLAIN WHAT I TRULY MEANT BY "MATERIAL"

1) Material usually relates to objects. eg. Guy buys food for girl all the time, pampers her with this gift and pay for this and that which makes girl happy
2) Emotional material. Once guy finds something satisfactory he sees in other girl, he proceeds to leave the current girl who doesn't come up to par with other girl even though all those memories and sacrifices etc. TL;DR - cheating cos of better looking girl

OR

Once breakup occurs, guy gives girl all the lovey dovey encouragement, treats the girl right and provides all the boyfriend needs etc eventually leading to new relationship

BUT WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND
WHEN I DO THAT I GET FUCKING FRIENDZONED

There, there...

its ok sachin,

as you can clearly see, you are totally better off without those people who have friendzoned you

or are you?

WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS, I don't blame the people in the relationships for being lovey dovey all that shit, but to claim that you truly LOVE someone you got together with 10 days after your last relationship is kind of a naive thing to say. I maybe too traditional-minded for the people I get interested in. Hence, why I claimed to have not truly loved someone ever since..

And that's why it fell through between me and the person I dated recently. There was no... romance. It was just, Waiting for the next sweet coupley thing to happen. There was no intimacy. No connection. It was clingy but not two people building each other.

and that's what I felt with every other person I claimed to have loved truly. The connection, intimacy etc.

And now to bring it full circle. I truly wonder whether that same Connection exist between these people who change relationships so very often. Do they feel that personal encouraging intimacy with every other person they claim to love?

If so, then I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.
And if that's so, then damn is it *easy* to love someone.

This shit is confusing

- I date the person first with someone whom shares mutual feelings instead of starting a committed relationship immediately.
- I am not criticizing people who change relationships fast, I'm just questioning it.
- The people I mean are based off people whom I am acquainted with, thus the source of the things I mentioned them saying is based off perspective throughout the years.


- I am perfectly fine with being single. Doesn't faze me at all *eye twitch*

Five Happy Thoughts

Life has been frustrating
I've been getting very angry lately about just about everything there is to be angry about
Work, Friends, Family, Myself, World issues, Teammates

GOODNESS!

It's just been negativity after negativity, and it's been hard to tell when i actually feel happy or how I really feel about anything at all

I am trying my best to resist typing a 500 word rant about everything which has been such a complete pain in the neck recently.

Instead, I should recall the few bright sparks about the past weekend, (It's Monday night 11:13pm) It was the Hari Raya holiday break and boy oh boy was it.... tiring



FOCUS BOY!



Here we go!


1. I was reunited with an old friend. She came back for the holidays from matrics. I didn't keep in touch with her when she left. I met her at church. Boy oh boy, I felt so, myself, when talking to her! One thing which I find harder to do with the people who are around me the most. So, it was an amazing breath of fresh air to see her again and just enjoy each other's company. Being crazy and talk about simply everything that time allowed us to talk about. Which yet again, I find so hard to do with the people around me. I am truly blessed to have that short meet up with her :)



2. Getting MONEY BAY BEE¬ Although WORK is a pain in the arse (literally) having to deal with a horrible whore bitch of a shift leader, stubborn customers, etc. I felt happy to fall back on the fact I was getting paid well for just FOUR days of work. I felt driven by it. Plus, I was happy seeing some of the old faces again. The crazy kids who didn't raya, doing the crazy things we always do at work. The funny antics from customers,the really good workout.
Hey, perhaps the money was just an incentive! Albeit tiring, I enjoyed four days of work. Though, I don't wish to go back for a looooong time (I'm going back one last time next month T-T)



3. R-E-N-D-A-N-G chicken rendang, lamb rendang, chicken rendang again. I L-O-V-E rendang. and I got to have ALOT of rendang this weekend. It was pleasant to have that yearly dose of heaven.
Yes, that made me happy.



4. Why does it feel like it's been so long since I've done anything really FUN with friends. Well, this past Sunday, I had FUN with people I didn't even expect to see. I went to my teammate's open house and ended up having fun with people who weren't even from my team. The geeks, the gaming nerds, the noisy crazy 'uncool' ones. It felt SO EASY to be myself and talk to them, mainly because they are super welcoming as fuck. No offense to my teammates, but I just don't feel... happy... in their presence anymore. I don't get the joy of being myself in a loving company with my team, I just feel like an outsider watching the company I'm in. However with this group, they don't expect anything from you. Playing xbox, insulting each other, eating and going through vids till midnight. I simply cherish that company and I salute them for it.



5. I can hold a headstand for about 10 seconds =D shit like that makes me confident with my life and be like FUCK YOU INSECURITIES I DO WHAT I WANT.



A happy thought to end this post is that I'M GOING FOR LASER TAG TOMORROW :D

Thank you

SO I told myself I'd blog every day

But I'm out of this world so 19 earth days count as one day for me so suck on that

#excusemacambabi

The Majority Is Made of Weak Individuals

Weak apart, when you take them out one by one and ask them what they stand for and if nobody else did it, would they still do it. DO you really believe in the things you do? IS there an actual passion in it, Why have you supported it?

They thrive on being in a flock of common ideas so they aren't alone and weak, they don't see it, but they adapt to it. They conform to the idea, no matter right or wrong. No matter what they believed in on their own.

Am I talking about gay rights?
No

But you assumed I was,
Why?

Because it's the topic that's sweeping across the globe even though it was that one country that dominates the world through it's influences. Like who in all these third world countries gave an actual fuck when Ireland declared same sex marriages for all a few weeks before the US did.

The flock care for their own needs, for their own survivability, the larger the herd, the stronger their force, the more secure they feel. Anything that opposes is criminal, is a target for hunt.

They say they're the different ones, the minority.
They are the majority, they are the strong ones, they are in command, but play off the fact that they are traditionally different, and thus are different from everyone else, when in truth they make up everyone else"and the minority is silences because nobody can say a word against them

Everyone has the right of having an opinion unless it opposes the social norm then fuck you and your opinion and fuck you for believing in sky fairies, you're a bigot, you're supporting pedophiles, your community spews hate and are all hateful misogynistic homophobic islamophobic MAKEANEWNAMEWHICHISREALLYCOMPLEXTOMAKEYOURSELFSEEMLIKEASOCIALACTIVISTPHOBICGYNISTICOSTATICAMISTIC

ITS JUST WRONG to not be in sync with the world, isn't it

It's wrong to be catholic, even though I love all people its because of the few that we are hated, because THIS DAMN HERD AND FLOCK WHO SAYS FUCK YOU GUYS CAUSE ONE OR TWO OF YOU ARE LIKE THIS

while not even looking at the own flaws of their herd and flock
when are guns going to be outlawed? when are Americans gonna have their god damn head pulled out of their damn assholes to realise that a human life matters more than their  rights  privilege to hold a weapons used to inflict harm
OH ITS SELF DEFENSE AND PROTECTION WHY NOT OUTLAW KNIVES AND CARS CAUSE ACCIDENTS AND STABBING CAN HAPPEN

knives are for cutting food and everyday objects, cars are for getting a person from one place to another, guns are used for harm and have no practical use. but no damn foreigner can tell you guys what to do! shoot yourselves, makes the world better

OH THAT WAS HARSH, NEVER TELL PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES
unless you know, they oppose your general political, religious or social views. (KILL URSELF FOR HATING GAYS, FOR NT BELIEVING IN JESUS U GO TO HELL, CLOSE YOUR AURAT U WHORE)

I hate caring too much really

But this is reality, the hive is there, the herd, the flock, the pack of wolves, adapt and fit in or die

which apparently, all of them say in defense of their *difference*

i don't hate the flock, i might just be in the flock for all i know
...
...
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NOPE, I live by my own beliefs and standards, not what most people care and say, I stand for what I believe in, and I'm pretty such its a damn controversial way to live but to me it's fucking normal and I have no hate for anything you stand for so you might as well not be a hypocrite to me

I am catholic
I damn well believe in Jesus
I think every kid should try sports
I agree to the beating of children fi they are naughty, as long as unabusive.
I agree that gays should get married, and I'm glad they do get their rights! but if you guys want to be civil and respectful, don't force the church to accept homosexual holy matrimony. that is forcing YOUR beliefs down OUR throats, (who's the bigot here then)
I'm not a social activist for gay rights neither do I really give a damn but since it's a trending topic I might as well say what I did above in case people call be out for being a homophobic sky fairy believer.
Guns should be outlawed
There should be a logical way to deal with court cases that are just wrong but bound to the law
(eg. man does cpr to save someones life but ends up breaking persons rib when saving life, resuscitated person sues cpr doer) the law isn't a person or a thing, why should LAW be above MAN who can think and be able to change the laws for the better of the human race
Abortion should be outlawed,
Castration for convicted rapists,
Freedom of religion anywhere,
I believe in the power of love to make the world go round (motherfucking powerpuff girls yeah)
Treat everybody the same no matter male female black yellow brown white gay or straight
Be super grammar Nazi but not include any commas in my last statement
Use the gift of laughter to help lighten the mood and people's live
That's what I stand for
among other things

If nobody in the world stood by me, if the world trends differently, If the flock flies a different direction. Think about the ten people who you hold dearest to you, and if they hated you for your ideals for god knows what reason,
would you still stand for what you believe in?

Don't be a weak individual just following the flow. Don't be a "rebel" and go against the flow cause it's cool. get out of that damn river and make your own damn path. If there are other people on the same path, it's cool, if they aren't making you happy inside and you rather take a different path but are afraid of losing the company of majority, that's where your true character shows.

I am hungry

Why do I blog once more?

SO I decide to start blogging again. Why? I literally had no drive honestly. It was honestly because I just so happen to begin a faith journal the same time a dear friend of mine wanted to start blogging, and I thought to myself, why don't I put everything else here?

LIke not the daily DEAR BLOG TODAY I ATE A DOG no (Although I am highly amused by how i randomly made a rhyme without realising)
But it's more of a "The certain things I do in life and why I choose to do them"

Now here's the thing
Why did I choose to blog on such a matter?
It's simple, when I started journalling two days ago, I realised that sometimes we need to take a step back and look at ourselves and the things we do, and why we do them. If we fail to acknowledge or put reasoning in the things we do, then what is the point of doing said things? How sure are you what you think or say or do isn't something completely brilliant or bollocks without looking at it and just thinking "Ay that doesn't look so bad"or Äctually when I say it out loud like that I realise how stupid it sounds.

Hence the title
Justification. Reasons. Excuses.

PLUS! It would give me a fresh thing to think of every single day, thus making it less dull and burdening to do blog posts about my days, which I have tried to blog about many times before but well, lets just say I have had more deleted blogs than ex boyfriends (1 is more than 0)

ladies be rest assured, I'm straight

Here's to a life of purpose