don't you just hate it when

You want to be more creative and broaden your scope

but the same song has been stuck in your head for days

I feel
i) great cause this song is simply wowzers, uplifting and shit.
ii) not so great because i can't think of any other song or any other new music to venture into

I am a Freak

There's no other explanation.

I'm weird, I'm a mess, I'm annoying, good for nothing, no fun, ugly, stinky, fat waste of space that deserves no love.

I am a freak. And I have to accept that.

All I ask is that you stop pretending to care, Stop trying to make it like I'm not one.

I know I'm not okay and every single time it eats me inside how people I percieve as the worst humans ever. Rude, violent, uncaring, reckless, disgusting, manipulative, selfish, greedy people. Those people aren't alone. Those people aren't having it all that bad. They have people who care.
 /
SO I must be worst than them. God knows what I did wrong to have it so much worse. 

When will I just give up on everything? Why do I still try? 

 I tried. I told myself I was alright, I was good, I was fine.
I tried for so long to convince myself. But really, just fuck me for doing so.

Why don't I just curl in a ball and die?

Getting My Life Back Together

Have you ever had those times in your life, those phases which span for days or weeks, where you just see your life just take a major dump?

Well, that's what happened to me ever since I came back from vacation. Life just became so, BLEGH, and soon, my whole character followed my lifestyle.
It goes from being totally sloth-like, indifferent about everything, unable to take good care of own health, diet, hygiene etc.

Last night, upon completing Dishonored (which is one heck of a game might I add) at 3.30 am. I turned off my laptop, took out the headphones and just had a brief moment of awareness. Like when suddenly you pay attention to everything around you. Did I really just eat one pack of Oreo's, leave that cup of ice tea on my table for two days, brush my teeth once today, spend the entire day with very little social interaction?

Then I slumped over to my room to take a good nights rest and I saw my room was just Filthy. I had to push like 10 different things off my bed and there were just things everywhere. And from that moment, before I shut my eyes I prayed silently "..."

Well actually I forgot what I said cause it was freaking 3:45am but it went along the lines of, "Aih God, I pray for the strength to make myself better" or "give me the strength to clean my room tomorrow"

The thing is, praying can only get you so far, it's up to you to make that change.
What I believe is that, you can pray and believe God gives you all the opportunity and strength you need, but it's up to you to actually DO IT, and that's how YOU GROW and BE BETTER.

Today I learned things I already know, like how a clean environment helps boosts your attitude.
And how that attitude is pivotal in how you treat yourself, like how I'm off junk food once more cause I have a damn belly again (I swear I have the most pms metabolism ever) and I feel motivated once more to go out and do shit. Good shit. The shit that's good for me. Back to basics

TLDR
yep, cleaned my room, felt good, gonna conquer world

dontjudgeme.txt

Like legit 2 minutes ago, I was going through the internet and someone anonymously sent a question on askfm to someone I know stating some good quality about the person and why being such a person is making others hurt him and the person just went along with it like it was true and I just laughed and aggressively just went FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU AHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU at my screen while waving middle fingers an I swear that is the most reactive I have ever been towards anything online ever that I needed to tell someone but its 2AM so I blogged about it

wat

(don't judge me. you all have insane sides to you nobody should know of that would just make you want to kill yourselves if other people find out,)

Is Romance Dead?

Disclaimer: The word *love* will be thrown around a lot in this post. The love I am referring to is the one between two souls that is intimate and romantic. In simple terms, Between partners in a relationship.


One thing that I still don't understand even after years of seeing this happen.

How do some people change the person they love so quickly?

(which means one day got this boyfriend, next day break up, next day different boyfriend)
(and by boyfriend I mean, partner which the person already says he/she truly loves and cherishes, all that shit)

I just don't get it!

I'm not flaming people who do so, but the thing which makes me a bit pissy about this phenomenon happening (walau scientific word) is that with every partner, the person claims joy in things already done with previous partners. Which means in short... same shit, different person.

Oh, he treats me unlike any other! He does this and that for me. I haven't been this comfortable with someone before! He spoils me so much! 

(just like most of the last 15 other guys before him have done)

I don't get this "falling in love all over again" in such a short amount of time. How can you claim to LOVE someone you just got together with and say and do all these mushy wushy things which sound and look completely legit even after you just experienced it with the previous guy whom you also REALLY LOVED A LOT.

Heck, maybe I just completely suck at this game of love.

Long committed relationship which costs so much time, effort, sacrifice ends and yet, can go hold hands and kiss another person almost a week later. It all means nothing to people anymore, romance is dying to me.

Now here comes the question. 

What the absolute fuck does it mean to love someone?

Because for God's sake I was SO fucking done with a lot of people saying I didn't truly love my now-former girlfriend because I didn't stay in contact with her when she left. (long story which might be a blog post one day) Despite all the things that we have been through and done together.
What in the world am I doing wrong then?
Fuck me for having my own reasons right

And yet the same fucking people support this love that changes every other season. (because they make cute ass insta pictures, all these fucking relationship GOALS and shit like that)

Is all this "love" material?

OK IMMA STOP IT RIGHT HERE TO EXPLAIN WHAT I TRULY MEANT BY "MATERIAL"

1) Material usually relates to objects. eg. Guy buys food for girl all the time, pampers her with this gift and pay for this and that which makes girl happy
2) Emotional material. Once guy finds something satisfactory he sees in other girl, he proceeds to leave the current girl who doesn't come up to par with other girl even though all those memories and sacrifices etc. TL;DR - cheating cos of better looking girl

OR

Once breakup occurs, guy gives girl all the lovey dovey encouragement, treats the girl right and provides all the boyfriend needs etc eventually leading to new relationship

BUT WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND
WHEN I DO THAT I GET FUCKING FRIENDZONED

There, there...

its ok sachin,

as you can clearly see, you are totally better off without those people who have friendzoned you

or are you?

WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS, I don't blame the people in the relationships for being lovey dovey all that shit, but to claim that you truly LOVE someone you got together with 10 days after your last relationship is kind of a naive thing to say. I maybe too traditional-minded for the people I get interested in. Hence, why I claimed to have not truly loved someone ever since..

And that's why it fell through between me and the person I dated recently. There was no... romance. It was just, Waiting for the next sweet coupley thing to happen. There was no intimacy. No connection. It was clingy but not two people building each other.

and that's what I felt with every other person I claimed to have loved truly. The connection, intimacy etc.

And now to bring it full circle. I truly wonder whether that same Connection exist between these people who change relationships so very often. Do they feel that personal encouraging intimacy with every other person they claim to love?

If so, then I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.
And if that's so, then damn is it *easy* to love someone.

This shit is confusing

- I date the person first with someone whom shares mutual feelings instead of starting a committed relationship immediately.
- I am not criticizing people who change relationships fast, I'm just questioning it.
- The people I mean are based off people whom I am acquainted with, thus the source of the things I mentioned them saying is based off perspective throughout the years.


- I am perfectly fine with being single. Doesn't faze me at all *eye twitch*

Five Happy Thoughts

Life has been frustrating
I've been getting very angry lately about just about everything there is to be angry about
Work, Friends, Family, Myself, World issues, Teammates

GOODNESS!

It's just been negativity after negativity, and it's been hard to tell when i actually feel happy or how I really feel about anything at all

I am trying my best to resist typing a 500 word rant about everything which has been such a complete pain in the neck recently.

Instead, I should recall the few bright sparks about the past weekend, (It's Monday night 11:13pm) It was the Hari Raya holiday break and boy oh boy was it.... tiring



FOCUS BOY!



Here we go!


1. I was reunited with an old friend. She came back for the holidays from matrics. I didn't keep in touch with her when she left. I met her at church. Boy oh boy, I felt so, myself, when talking to her! One thing which I find harder to do with the people who are around me the most. So, it was an amazing breath of fresh air to see her again and just enjoy each other's company. Being crazy and talk about simply everything that time allowed us to talk about. Which yet again, I find so hard to do with the people around me. I am truly blessed to have that short meet up with her :)



2. Getting MONEY BAY BEE¬ Although WORK is a pain in the arse (literally) having to deal with a horrible whore bitch of a shift leader, stubborn customers, etc. I felt happy to fall back on the fact I was getting paid well for just FOUR days of work. I felt driven by it. Plus, I was happy seeing some of the old faces again. The crazy kids who didn't raya, doing the crazy things we always do at work. The funny antics from customers,the really good workout.
Hey, perhaps the money was just an incentive! Albeit tiring, I enjoyed four days of work. Though, I don't wish to go back for a looooong time (I'm going back one last time next month T-T)



3. R-E-N-D-A-N-G chicken rendang, lamb rendang, chicken rendang again. I L-O-V-E rendang. and I got to have ALOT of rendang this weekend. It was pleasant to have that yearly dose of heaven.
Yes, that made me happy.



4. Why does it feel like it's been so long since I've done anything really FUN with friends. Well, this past Sunday, I had FUN with people I didn't even expect to see. I went to my teammate's open house and ended up having fun with people who weren't even from my team. The geeks, the gaming nerds, the noisy crazy 'uncool' ones. It felt SO EASY to be myself and talk to them, mainly because they are super welcoming as fuck. No offense to my teammates, but I just don't feel... happy... in their presence anymore. I don't get the joy of being myself in a loving company with my team, I just feel like an outsider watching the company I'm in. However with this group, they don't expect anything from you. Playing xbox, insulting each other, eating and going through vids till midnight. I simply cherish that company and I salute them for it.



5. I can hold a headstand for about 10 seconds =D shit like that makes me confident with my life and be like FUCK YOU INSECURITIES I DO WHAT I WANT.



A happy thought to end this post is that I'M GOING FOR LASER TAG TOMORROW :D

Thank you