i felt like writing

I'm gonna miss all this
I never had it
but I'll miss it
all of you
whom i never got the chance to live life fully with

all the goals and plans
no more
it's over
goodbye
i can't handle this part the most

it's not like I'm leaving forever
it's that everyone else i really care about.
like people I REALLY HONESTLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
yeah, they're leaving too
its happened before, when i turned 18
but this time, it's a wee bit more drastic.

Like how distance made me realise how not close we actually were
How we drifted to strangers
And I'm basically going to be cut off from everyone physically
But am I not used to that?
Goodbyes have been such a common occurrence in my life.

Loneliness will never be something I can get used to though.
It numbs you, sure, but not in a way that you can feel as if it's a normality.
(yeah Sure, there's always new friends that can be made)


I can't really think of places or people whom my absence will affect,
unlike how the absence of basically almost all my loved ones affected me

Perhaps because there are so many holes left that it is noticeably gaping

Not spending Christmas at home this year is going to be so different
so strange
yet something I simply have and want to face
This strong urge to stay in Penang was what kept me from going to KL to study my diploma

I don't regret the decision one bit. It molded me to who I am

I need someone to talk to
I will just stop here because I can't type anymore

I hope my care, prayers and thoughts spread to all over the world with you guys.

Fuck me for being sentimental

Emotional regurgitation

i kinda really like you
But I kinda can't really have you

Now isn't that the saddest thing ever?





What the fuck
this isn't some emo tumblr shit bro, get it together man!





DEAR YOU

YES YOU

THE PERSON WHOM I HAVE THESE STRANGE EMOTIONAL FEELINGS FOR
I LIKE YOUR FACE
I LIKE YOUR VOICE

I LIKE YOUR MIND

YOUR PERSONALITY IS AMAZING AS SHIT

I LIKE HOW WE CONNECT

AND I LIKE TO DO SHITS LIKE LONG DRIVES AND EAT PIZZA
BUT HOW MUCH BETTER WOULD IT BE

WITH YOU

YES YOU

NOT NECESSARILY THE PERSON READING THIS COS I DON'T WANNA GIVE FALSE HOPE

LADIES I KNOW I AM GOALS I'M SORRY FOR THAT

WHY IS THIS IN ALL CAPS

i honestly have no idea why i needed this outburst

But hey, I'm leaving for another island soon.
I'm gonna be there for 4 years.
technically 3 and a half years cause of reasons
but if you include holidays
3 years.

4 years.
I'll be 24 when i get that degree

is what i desire only meant for 4 years from now?
when we're 24, how much will we change
how much further apart or closer will we get
where on earth will you be?

can we travel when I'm back

can we see another part of the world

can we do the crazy shit we wanted to do for years
can we Skype like when you were gone

Its been awhile
I am ready

I've let go

I told myself i let go a long time ago. but i haven't. what makes me think I have now?

Will I end up finding someone new in my new life?
Will she replace you?
Will I do a stupid mistake in being too fast?
Will I overcome my fear of attachment?
Will I still be there for you?
Will I grow or will I wither?
Will I have space in my heart for love at all?
Will I open space for God in all of this?

Will I Am

What has become of my relationship with the Creator.?
Do I still believe? Yeah definitely

Why is it that I am knowingly paying way less attention and intentionally shutting God out?
 Am I trying to have my own say on my own life?
Is that the same reason I shut my family out of my social life?
Is that why I don't really trust  people to be called good friends anymore?

Whats my target
Whats my goal
What am I going to university for
Study, get a job, make money, be happy, make a family, be happy, see the world, be happy, change lives, be happy

change lives
change lives
how do i intend on changing lives
do i not register in my brain, that the opportunities to change lives was very prominent when I was really close to God?

What will this new place give me?
I was told to settle in a church first things first
I'm not sure what type of friends I'll have, what kind of person I'll be

That's the thrill of a new life. I await in excitement over all that awaits me

If I had 2.6 million ringgit I would break you out of wherever you are and go see Europe with you lol
I am suddenly fascinated by seeing things in other countries

It is not wanderlust. It's more like.
I want to live life to the fullest
But that needs money
our money is shrinking
a bit too late to abandon ship
unless I do masters
in a foreign university
like GERMANY MAYBE
free education fuck yeah

I always wanted to have a family.
I don't want my kids to be stereotyped into their race.
I mean, language and culture is fine but don't be a typical one.
English must always be the first language
I will not publicly defame them
I will encourage them even when everybody/nobody is looking

I wonder whether my wife will tolerate the me I am when nobody is looking
I am a very very very different person when I am alone and with my thoughts
Nobody truly has gotten close to me in an extended period of time to know me through and true.
They just know my habits, but not my emotional habits.

I want my wife to be as strange as I am in private.
And as mad shit crazy in public as I am.
We would be each other's sidekicks.
I will mess her hair sometimes, She will pinch me and pull my ear (if she can reach it)
I want our love to not die

I know what it feels like to love someone
because it doesn't die that fast.
Even when the person leaves/doesn't want you anymore
I am not gonna write 25 sentences on what love is

I've been vomiting this train of emotional thoughts for 20 minutes now

I need to sleep early
Well shit, it's 2AM

Thanks
and good job on surviving. :)


xx.
It's been awhile since I've had a meaningful hug.

Not how i planned for it to go

August is my last month of holidays. I planned to have an amazing month full of suhweet memories and yolo moments

And this entire week, I only managed one outing.
Five. That's right, five. Five cancelled plans this week. Ultimate face problem.
Face problem so strong mirror also don't wanna see me.

Am I disappointed? Yes.
Lonesome as fuck.

Hope next week turns out better
Results for uni application come out on Tuesday

Hard Times Carve You

i don't get how some people get it from the get go. but most of the things in life I had to figure it out by myself

Mostly when it comes to maturity.

but i appreciate them wholeheartedly, all the crying, woes, sorrow, depression, keng, embarrasment

It was all worth it

thank you

goner.

I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,

I want to be known by you,



Though I'm weak 
and beaten down,

I'll slip away
into this sound,

The ghost of you
is close to me,

I'm inside-out,
you're underneath.


Don't let me be gone.
Don't let me be.

I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,

Can you not slip away

Can you not be like the rest and be gone.

Can you not say one day you care and just not put up with my shit anymore.

I don't know how I keep doing this.
This, calling someone a good friend thing.
They leave.

They aren't permanent to you.
Everyone is always temporary and pop up spontaneously.
There's nobody permanent to me.
There is no solitary wall to lean on. The wall keeps moving. And I'm tired of changing my position.
I'm tired of going back to the old comfy spots cause I just know its gonna move again and leave me falling down.. again.

How sure am I things will change when I go to uni?
It didn't change in form 6. It didn't change at work.

Is it so hard to have a permanent?

And the worst part about it is eventually, you start thinking.

Hey.
Maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm the one driving the walls away. Driving the comfort away. Maybe I'm causing the love to fade

And you don't know what to believe.

I miss you.
All of you.
All those walls.
I miss when I felt happy to be with you.
When I could trust you with all I had.

And not be let down.
Again.
And again.
And again.

Do you not care
Or am I too unworthy to be bothered about?

Am I that pathetic of a friend to drive what makes me happy away?

Do you care for me or my approval.
Do you care that I care?
Am I not caring enough for what you care?

What should we care about?

What is air?