The worst thing is that I take myself too hard.
I was always pressured into fitting into certain moulds and expectations to obtain things I want and need.
I wasn't the same as my siblings.
I daresay I'm so damn different, but I'm forced to push myself to fulfill meaninglesdo
criteria for my parents to care for me or acknowledge me positively.
Failure was met with critical shaming, I'm always told of others can do it, why can't you.

I take myself too hard.
Every failure was met with scolding, with shaming to kingdom come, even publicly to family friends. It's disheartening. It's hurtful growing up knowing you can't. one up short in anything you wanna put your heart to cause your siblings have achieved such amazeball things in their education.

They know what they want , they achieve it. I'm running around headless.

When I fail to live up to these expectations. First person I blame is myself.
When I don't play properly or when I come up short in something. I blame myself first.
When I dont get something. When others have things I don't. I blame myself first.

I'm used to being the loser, the one who comes up short, the one whom you shouldn't put your hopes in

And I truly believe that

And that's scary.

I take myself too hard.

I shouldn't but I do

I know its my fault for a lot of things. I pardon the faults of others, but for myself, any screw up is taken personally

Which is scary, being a clumsy, impulsive  person.

I used to hit myself like a bipolar kid when I couldn't do something right. When I don't learn fast enough, when I don't understand srh "easy"

I take myself too hard

i am a lost boy 1200 km from home

I've come to terms that I'm stranded here

I tried, I really did try. for two and a half months to make friends, to make a circle to find a place i belong.

but it turns out I'm just lost.
I have nothing here to live for

I type as I sit here at 1:25am on my third lonely  day back in sarawak, gonna be my 4th lonely day soon

It's so wasteful, to live a life without anything to hold on to, yet that is what I experience day in and day out here. I pray that it doesn't have to be this way for 4 years.

One week home was well, fattening..... But it reminded me of how much I miss the comfort of home. Of Penang. The People, the Food, the HEATED SHOWER IN MY HOUSE. Especially the memories and stories of home, the place I'd never forget.

gone in a matter of days
to return to solemnity
loneliness

I'M TRYING
I REALLY AM
ITS NOT EASY

I Pray What's Killing Me Now Will Make Me Stronger

its nothing i can deny its nothing i can hide

on how every since the day one i have always lied

about the tears i cried

on how i wish i died

eat away at my being depression has done

the fact i cant run from what has made me want to pull a gun

its no joke its nothing to be compassionate about

just be there and it'll help if you just hear me out

i haven't been through anything peculiar

my case isn't as bad as yours

but believe me when i tell you these feelings are not false

everyone's been sad, they needed a shoulder

imagine nobody there and everyone thinking you're a bother

these thoughts creep up every single day i'm here,

on how i don't fit it, on how i haven't found my place

have i been too selective 

or am i given up on this race?

i do not choose this path but it's one that has befallen me

everyone should feel blessed they have things i wish i had

a circle, an understanding,  a support, a community

this i write not as a man who is done and dusted

but a man looking for a person to be trusted

not a person to say hi or bye those are common

but someone who'd stick around when i act abnormal

primary, secondary, tertiary, work

always in the corner these shadows lurk,

however unfazed or trapped by light

these shadows give my conscience quite a good fight

i have a presence, i have a name

i have done many great things to earn great fame

most notably for my jokes being lame

but here, things are just not the same

i choose to be alone, but i don't always want to

it sounds like an excuse but it does amount to some truth

i thought one day I'd get used to it, have assurance

but no, you don't get used to it, your mind becomes an annoyance

basically this is my attempt at a poem

i can only write create stuff when I'm solemn

I'm fine, i really am, i ain't sad or depressed

its just these old demons are making my life so messed

i wish that i can just stop waiting or stop being so picky

ugh i don't know why for me finding friends is so tricky

Sarawak is great, the food and culture is totes some of the best

however i kinda wish i was back in the west :(

BASICALLY!

homesick as fuck, 

HI everyone, thanks for going through that super long emo looking poem. I can only find inspiration in melancholy, which is why I'm posting again 

Straight to the points

1. Two Months of Uni, I'm still pretty much alone, It's a love hate thing

2. I have friends, some of them are kinda rad, but nothing close, nobody I can be truly comfortable with, no real circle, but I am surviving

3. I'm going home in 2 weeks. 3 assignments stand in my way, but uni life is slowly looking up

4. I don't know how I would've kept sane or even still alive if it wasn't for one particular cibai in Penang

5. I'm happy that all my close friends are out and about all over. As selfish as it sounds, I admit that I really wish they could make time for me as I am honestly trying to for them, even if its just a little bit of time, I don't want to be an afterthought to you, you guys mean the world to me.

6. Making friends of the opposite sex when you're older is harder, starting the second conversation would often assumed to be flirting. And me having majority female friends, GG life.

7. oh lord why is there a lack of fruits, food is unhealthy everywhere how to lose weight ya Allah

8. THIRTEEN DAYS THIRTEEN DAYS

9. I don't believe I'll find love in university

10. Fail safe: be a priest

11. Insanely in love with rock/ alt rock music now.. AWOLnation and Royal Blood are my addictions now

Series of Fortunate and Unfortunate Events.

Fortunate and unfortunate are two different event types. When they are in union, would that just make them events?

Calm down, Jaden Smith



Uni life has been nothing but expected.
It is beyond anything I planned for or expected, and I am glad for that.

Things have been either hit or miss.
Everything and all I am now were due to life decisions which were hidden as simple initiatives.

There's still a lot to work on. And I just simply don't feel like I want to put my life story of university life on my blog.

I don't have closure here.

Basically its been either really fun, or really empty.

By chance I was an overenthusiastic noisy asshole.
By chance I fell in love with Sarawak.
By chance I totally wanted to come to study here.
By chance I was forgetful enough to leave my small group assignment letter in my room.
By chance I stood right in front of the line of people who left their paper in the room.
By chance I met a person who made me noisy and was forced to become a group leader.
By chance I introduced myself in English.
By chance I was pulled up by my Liaison Officer because I spoke English to join Debate/Public Speaking

And even though I had never had any debating experience, or am really ignorant towards major historical facts and events.
By chance I spoke last during audition and just summarized what I thought.
And I was chosen to represent my college

By chance my college was helped to be trained by the debate society's advisor.
We won. That wasn't chance
We ate, dined, drank like kings.

By chance we all went to the debate society.
We were introduced to model united nations and we're up for selections for MUN in Miri.
We had to prepare a paper about political stuff which I really ave 0 insight or interest in.
So I didn't feel like even writing the paper after a few days because I knew it was so not my Forte.
Deadline was yesterday morning at 10am
By chance I was going broke.
By chance I decided broke or not, I was gonna try withdraw as little money as I could and go for dinner with debating society members.
By chance I was motivated to do the paper by looking at people who graduated post on fb about taking the opportunities that come to you.
By chance I kept questioning Joel about MUN and whether I should do it.
By chance I had enough money to buy coffee and go to the 24 -hour room in the library at 12am.

And I completed the paper and sent it in at 2.30 a.m.

And I made it

I'm going to Miri in 2 days to represent my university in Model United Nations in Curtin,
It might not seem like much
But it means a lot and I am really excited for this.




I studied probability,
chance,

No way, that all of those happened
by chance. 

There's no way all those odds go in my favour over and over and over again, no.

Without a doubt, I have been blessed. I have received grace.
Undeserved favour.
Whatever you believe in, or don't believe in.
and despite my struggles in faith.
Without a doubt, I believe that there is no way all these things happened by chance. I sound like the corniest most christian geek saying the following things.

I truly believe it is God's grace and blessing that I got to where I am. I am eternally grateful because of all the opportunities which I have been given, and the steps I used to walk on and move in this journey were from opportunities that I have prayed to receive in the past. This is how God spoke to me. And I love you, G man, for this.

And there were mentions of alternative universes, like how in an alternate universe I would have never been a part of where I am. I would have never known such a place existed. I would be in no social circle, no society, still have no friends, go through orientation like every other person and not make many friends. Alternate universes where I missed out on an inspiration or an opportunity.

Series of fortunate events.

Locking myself out of my room
Walking into the wrong room
Walking into the wrong house
Locking my things in the wrong house
Breaking into said house
Difficulty in finding friends

Unfortunate, but it's part and parcel of a true university experience. :D



I really feel very alone most of the time here.
It's not like I'm not trying.
I'm afraid

Wow, coming from me?
what the hell.

Yep, I made friends in the debating society sure,
I met a lot of people, in faculty, in college.

But i don't really find closure, friendship, someone to rely on, in class especially.

And I've been really okay with it,
but I know its dangerous to be alone most of the time.
Like now, I go to the library to leech wifi alone. I need a group, or maybe a friend.

BUT DAMN Y IS IT SO HARD TO FIND SOMEONE TO GET CLOSE TO OR BE BUDDIES WITH AHMAHGERDDDDDD SIEN LOR WAN DIE

I MISS PENANG
I MISS FOOD IN PENANG
I MISS PENANG FRIENDS
I MISS MY BED
I MISS USING TOILETS WITH UNBROKEN TOILET SEATS
I MISS BEING BAREFOOT IN MY ROOM
I MISS DRIVING

i miss home

I dont know how to be happy here

I'm lonely, bored, demotivated and pretty much asshole symptoms are just showing up all over me. I'm sorry

i felt like writing

I'm gonna miss all this
I never had it
but I'll miss it
all of you
whom i never got the chance to live life fully with

all the goals and plans
no more
it's over
goodbye
i can't handle this part the most

it's not like I'm leaving forever
it's that everyone else i really care about.
like people I REALLY HONESTLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
yeah, they're leaving too
its happened before, when i turned 18
but this time, it's a wee bit more drastic.

Like how distance made me realise how not close we actually were
How we drifted to strangers
And I'm basically going to be cut off from everyone physically
But am I not used to that?
Goodbyes have been such a common occurrence in my life.

Loneliness will never be something I can get used to though.
It numbs you, sure, but not in a way that you can feel as if it's a normality.
(yeah Sure, there's always new friends that can be made)


I can't really think of places or people whom my absence will affect,
unlike how the absence of basically almost all my loved ones affected me

Perhaps because there are so many holes left that it is noticeably gaping

Not spending Christmas at home this year is going to be so different
so strange
yet something I simply have and want to face
This strong urge to stay in Penang was what kept me from going to KL to study my diploma

I don't regret the decision one bit. It molded me to who I am

I need someone to talk to
I will just stop here because I can't type anymore

I hope my care, prayers and thoughts spread to all over the world with you guys.

Fuck me for being sentimental

Emotional regurgitation

i kinda really like you
But I kinda can't really have you

Now isn't that the saddest thing ever?





What the fuck
this isn't some emo tumblr shit bro, get it together man!





DEAR YOU

YES YOU

THE PERSON WHOM I HAVE THESE STRANGE EMOTIONAL FEELINGS FOR
I LIKE YOUR FACE
I LIKE YOUR VOICE

I LIKE YOUR MIND

YOUR PERSONALITY IS AMAZING AS SHIT

I LIKE HOW WE CONNECT

AND I LIKE TO DO SHITS LIKE LONG DRIVES AND EAT PIZZA
BUT HOW MUCH BETTER WOULD IT BE

WITH YOU

YES YOU

NOT NECESSARILY THE PERSON READING THIS COS I DON'T WANNA GIVE FALSE HOPE

LADIES I KNOW I AM GOALS I'M SORRY FOR THAT

WHY IS THIS IN ALL CAPS

i honestly have no idea why i needed this outburst

But hey, I'm leaving for another island soon.
I'm gonna be there for 4 years.
technically 3 and a half years cause of reasons
but if you include holidays
3 years.

4 years.
I'll be 24 when i get that degree

is what i desire only meant for 4 years from now?
when we're 24, how much will we change
how much further apart or closer will we get
where on earth will you be?

can we travel when I'm back

can we see another part of the world

can we do the crazy shit we wanted to do for years
can we Skype like when you were gone

Its been awhile
I am ready

I've let go

I told myself i let go a long time ago. but i haven't. what makes me think I have now?

Will I end up finding someone new in my new life?
Will she replace you?
Will I do a stupid mistake in being too fast?
Will I overcome my fear of attachment?
Will I still be there for you?
Will I grow or will I wither?
Will I have space in my heart for love at all?
Will I open space for God in all of this?

Will I Am

What has become of my relationship with the Creator.?
Do I still believe? Yeah definitely

Why is it that I am knowingly paying way less attention and intentionally shutting God out?
 Am I trying to have my own say on my own life?
Is that the same reason I shut my family out of my social life?
Is that why I don't really trust  people to be called good friends anymore?

Whats my target
Whats my goal
What am I going to university for
Study, get a job, make money, be happy, make a family, be happy, see the world, be happy, change lives, be happy

change lives
change lives
how do i intend on changing lives
do i not register in my brain, that the opportunities to change lives was very prominent when I was really close to God?

What will this new place give me?
I was told to settle in a church first things first
I'm not sure what type of friends I'll have, what kind of person I'll be

That's the thrill of a new life. I await in excitement over all that awaits me

If I had 2.6 million ringgit I would break you out of wherever you are and go see Europe with you lol
I am suddenly fascinated by seeing things in other countries

It is not wanderlust. It's more like.
I want to live life to the fullest
But that needs money
our money is shrinking
a bit too late to abandon ship
unless I do masters
in a foreign university
like GERMANY MAYBE
free education fuck yeah

I always wanted to have a family.
I don't want my kids to be stereotyped into their race.
I mean, language and culture is fine but don't be a typical one.
English must always be the first language
I will not publicly defame them
I will encourage them even when everybody/nobody is looking

I wonder whether my wife will tolerate the me I am when nobody is looking
I am a very very very different person when I am alone and with my thoughts
Nobody truly has gotten close to me in an extended period of time to know me through and true.
They just know my habits, but not my emotional habits.

I want my wife to be as strange as I am in private.
And as mad shit crazy in public as I am.
We would be each other's sidekicks.
I will mess her hair sometimes, She will pinch me and pull my ear (if she can reach it)
I want our love to not die

I know what it feels like to love someone
because it doesn't die that fast.
Even when the person leaves/doesn't want you anymore
I am not gonna write 25 sentences on what love is

I've been vomiting this train of emotional thoughts for 20 minutes now

I need to sleep early
Well shit, it's 2AM

Thanks
and good job on surviving. :)


xx.
It's been awhile since I've had a meaningful hug.