The worst thing is that I take myself too hard.
I was always pressured into fitting into certain moulds and expectations to obtain things I want and need.
I wasn't the same as my siblings.
I daresay I'm so damn different, but I'm forced to push myself to fulfill meaninglesdo
criteria for my parents to care for me or acknowledge me positively.
Failure was met with critical shaming, I'm always told of others can do it, why can't you.

I take myself too hard.
Every failure was met with scolding, with shaming to kingdom come, even publicly to family friends. It's disheartening. It's hurtful growing up knowing you can't. one up short in anything you wanna put your heart to cause your siblings have achieved such amazeball things in their education.

They know what they want , they achieve it. I'm running around headless.

When I fail to live up to these expectations. First person I blame is myself.
When I don't play properly or when I come up short in something. I blame myself first.
When I dont get something. When others have things I don't. I blame myself first.

I'm used to being the loser, the one who comes up short, the one whom you shouldn't put your hopes in

And I truly believe that

And that's scary.

I take myself too hard.

I shouldn't but I do

I know its my fault for a lot of things. I pardon the faults of others, but for myself, any screw up is taken personally

Which is scary, being a clumsy, impulsive  person.

I used to hit myself like a bipolar kid when I couldn't do something right. When I don't learn fast enough, when I don't understand srh "easy"

I take myself too hard